The “Gift” of Singleness?

Sneak peek: Are you in a season of being single or are you “gifted” to be single?

Do you get frustrated when someone tells you to “be content, be single, be happy, and God will bless you with someone”? I get it. I’m currently single. I didn’t expect myself to be single in 2024. I didn’t expect to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas single. Funny story, I was in Target and I saw Valentine’s Day decorations. I thought to myself, “Ugh, another Valentine’s Day alone!”

Like many singles, I feel the pressure to be wed before 30. Culture (even Christian culture) base your worth on whether if you are married or not. Women are told my toxic masculinity culture that they are undesirable after 30. Men are told by toxic femineity culture that if they are single and unmarred at 40, then they must not be “husband material”. Some singles may feel the pressure from all of their friends getting married and popping out babies. Others, like me, face the dreaded visit to see family because they will ask, “So, where’s your husband?”

Why am I single?

I always struggled with the opposite sex. I did like boys growing up, but I never seriously dated anyone. I had crushes, flings, and even some risqué behavior, but nothing more. Most of the time, I was never asked to a dance, to homecoming, to prom, or to be someone’s girlfriend. If anything, boys avoided me for my desperate behavior. Trust me, I was a mess. I wanted to be love and I did anything to get love, but I ended up disrespecting myself.

In college, I got into a relationship, which ended up being on-and-off for three years. I also dated casually. After finishing my B.A. degree, I felt stuck. I had no man to take home and no idea of what I wanted to do next. I enrolled in grad school. I was clueless about dating and myself. I dated casually, but this time, I enjoyed living my life. I didn’t want to be bothered with marriage, children, give up my independence for a husband, having a lack of freedom, etc. I was a bachelorette and I lived the lifestyle that came with it. (I also hurt a few good guys because I was still wounded from my previous relationship).

After getting my master’s degree, I moved to Seattle. The desire to get married increased because I was away from the pressure from my family and my past. I could breathe and figure out if I wanted to be married. I had a new market of men to pick from. I tried dating again, but I ended up unsuccessful. I kept getting rejected by men. I kept being told that something was wrong with me. “You’re nice, but…”.

At some point, I decided to take a break from dating and “do me”, but I was “doing me” differently. I wanted to figure out who I was. I stayed single (not dating anyone, including situationships) for almost a year. When I moved to Dallas in 2022, I bumped into a man and we started dating each other. I thought that he had to be it because I was healing, I was focusing on God, and I wasn’t chasing a man. Wrong! I ended things with that man since it wasn’t progressing into a relationship.

I took a break and I tried dating again. Still, no luck. I thought I found someone, but this person wasn’t it for me, either. Darn! I started to get angry at God. Like, what the world, God? Why does this keep happening to me? Was I meant not to be married?

If you’re like me, you’ve probably been in my shoes. You’ve been pressured to be married. You’ve been told your life is meaningless without someone. You’ve been in and out of situationships. You do desire marriage, but can’t seem to pick a good man. You’ve been told you’re not “enough” by the opposite sex.

 “You’re wifey material, but…”

“You’re beautiful, but this is what’s best for you.”

“Yeah, I don’t want a relationship right now.”

“I’m not strong enough for you.”

Being dumped, in out of situationships, and being pressured to get married, damaged my self-esteem. I decided to forgo dating to focus on me around the end of November. Guess what ended up happening to me? A lot. I’ve been job hunting. I’ve been learning more about myself. I’ve been breaking unhealthy habits. I’ve been traveling a lot more. I’ve also been enjoying the freedom of not being with a man. Plus, no kids? Absolutely! I know I’m not ready to take on the role of being a wife or a mother. So, was I blessed with the gift of singleness? Or, is my circumstance temporary?

What is marriage, anyway?

We know the story. Adam was swinging on some vines in the Garden of Eden and tending to the animals. Okay, maybe he didn’t swing on vines, but he was living the bachelor lifestyle. Adam was focused on his goals. God saw that Adam was alone. This was the one thing God said it wasn’t good. In Genesis 2:15-24, we see the beauty of marriage:

The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said,“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

God paired Adam and Eve to signify what a marriage is supposed to be:

1. Two complete people coming together as one.

2. Two people who are suitable for each other to advance God’s sovereign will.

Adam and Eve complemented one another. Adam could show Eve the Garden of Eden, God’s instructions, and she can explain how she can help. Maybe Eve liked to plant trees, flowers, or feed the lions. I have no clue, but they both came together to advance God’s sovereign will (multiply and tend to the Garden of Eden).

What does this mean for the single Christian? Where is their suitable partner? Does this mean the single Christian is disobeying God by being alone? Well, I believe humans are social creatures. We aren’t meant to be alone. For the single Christian, they will need to find other ways to socialize. Friends, anyone? Fellowship with other church members? Yes! Single Christians, I say this with love. Get of the house! Meet new people. Join an organization, church, attend events—something! That’s how you won’t be alone. Jesus lived His single life and He had friends. He knew the importance of not being alone.

The Season of Singleness

I believe some Christians are single for a season. The Bible explains how we face seasons in our life.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).

For some singles, I believe they are in a season of being single. They do not have the gift of singleness. This means, at the right time (God’s timing), they will be ready to put themselves back on the market and date. This may take a month to ten years. You cannot rush God’s timing. This is why it’s important, during your single season, to build a solid foundation with God and seek wisdom from Him. He will let you know when you need to chill out from dating, or if you are ready to date. Culture tells you to date casually to remove the pain of singleness. This is flawed and ends up hurting others—including yourself.

For example, I think people who just broke up with an ex should stay single (and not date anyone) to process the grief of the relationship, learn some lessons, grow as individuals! I feel we made dating too casual as a culture as a recreational activity. All this does is delay the person’s healing and prolongs their season a lot longer. At worst, they carry their hurt into the next relationship and hurt the other person. Just an FYI, sometimes you’re the one who is blocking your blessing. Only you can break unhealthy cycles with God on your side.

If you are in the season of singleness, my answer is this, accept the season you are in. Bring your emotions to God. He already knows you hate being single. Trust me. Also, don’t compare yourself to your friends who got married before you did (and they’re not “as good” as you are). Don’t get upset when you’re a bridesmaid to a wedding. Don’t resent all the couples you see on social media. Don’t try to find someone for #cuffingseason. Someone else’s season will end sooner than yours. Some people need someone to help them become what God wants them to be. Some people may have to go through a DIY season to become what God wants them to be before they are joined to someone.

I know you want that bae to go on baecations with. Why not take yourself on one, or invite a friend? Learn who you are—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Discover your talents. Your gifts. Your skills. Transition into that new career. Get closer with God. Serve others. Find out why you keep entertaining your poor taste in men. Get rid of some of your childlike behavior. Do what you need to do. When you are ready, then date.

You will thank yourself later for not rushing the season of singleness. Just don’t be the person who is dating because they’re bored. You will hurt people along the way. Why? When you lie to yourself, you lie to others. If you know you need to be single, say it. Let your yes be a yes and your no be a no (Matthew 5:37). Don’t give mixed signals to people (act interested, but say you don’t want a relationship). Be honest.

 The Gift of Singleness

What about people who just don’t have a desire to be married? What about people who cannot marry? There are two scriptures I can think of. First, Jesus talks about people who are either born to be single or single by choice. In Matthew 19:12, Jesus says:

For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.

Let’s break down what this means with some real-life examples. Some people are born to remain single. Some people, unfortunately, die young, so they will never be married. Some people are not going to desire marriage. For example, I think of asexuals. Asexuality is a lack of attraction to a man or woman. Asexuals just don’t have a desire in them to be attracted to anyone. Nothing is wrong with them—it’s their sexual orientation. This isn’t to be confused with celibacy (also known as abstaining), which is having a desire for the opposite sex, but choosing not to engage in sexual activity. Then there are those who choose to remain single for kingdom purposes. Jesus chose to remain single. I’m sure Jesus could’ve found a wife, but He was on a mission to save us! He knew if He got caught up with a wife, His attention would’ve been divided.

What does "divided attention" mean? Well, let’s look at another person who exercised their gift of singleness. Paul. I know, people have mixed feelings about Paul, but he keeps it real.

But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband (1 Corinthians 7:33-34).

First, Paul wasn’t saying singleness is a spiritual gift. Instead, the gift is the absence of a partner. Paul decided to remain single to focus on ministry. I’m sure Paul could’ve found a wife, but he knew it’d divide his attention from 100% ministry. Now, Paul isn’t anti-marriage. It may sound like that, but he’s emphasizing the gift of now having a spouse is that you can focus more on serving others. When you are married, your home is the first priority. Paul does support marriage if you look at 1 Corinthians 7:8, Paul recommends marriage when it’s desired.

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

What if you have the gift of singleness? You have the freedom to be a forever bachelorette. What does this mean? Live a purposeful life. Serve others. Just because you don’t have a spouse doesn’t mean you can’t live a purposeful life. This is something culture has lied to you about, in and out of the church.

The season single and gifted single are both blessed by God. I think it’s something we need to do better at acknowledging. To the seasoned single, do not reject the season you are in. I’m not going to say it’s a gift, because it’s a season. Instead, I’ll say see it as a blessing that you are single and enjoy it. For those who are gifted singles, don’t be afraid to express it. Don’t be afraid to tell naysayers you can’t live a purposeful life without a spouse. If they tell you that your life has no meaning without a spouse, even if they mean well, point them to Jesus. ‘Nuff said.

What do you think? Are you in a season of singleness, or are you gifted to be single? If you’re married, what advice would you share for singles? Let me know in the comments. Keep things true, pure, and positive. Stay blessed and have a Happy New Year!