Self-Love Mindset

Sneak Peak: Be okay with not being pursued.

Chill Out

I posted in one of my Christian groups to enjoy being single. I told the women to chill out, find some hobbies, and discover who they are. While they are out and about, a man will notice them, and come to them. However, they needed to be ready for rejection. They needed to be okay with going to church, listening to the sermon, and going home. They needed to be okay with the man who flirts and walks away. Of course, I got hit with opposing views from women (and men) who felt if a woman wants a man, she should go up to him and pursue him.

Now, people who know me, know where I stand on this. I do not pursue men romantically. I don't mind showing interest in a man. I don't mind chatting with him and being friendly. However, if he chooses not to pursue me romantically, it's for a good reason. I'm learning that men know (sooner than women do) if they want to marry a woman or not.

Ladies, let's be real. We can be emotional sometimes. Emotions aren't always rational. Men can be emotional, too. However, I found that men think like this: A-B-C, 1-2-3. We think: ABCDEFGHIJ...now, let's do 12345678. Women can discuss about twenty things at once and get it. If you don't believe me, listen to women speak. They can discuss several topics at once. This isn't a bad thing. It's how we are made. Now, if you listen to men speak, it's usually one topic at a time. This also isn't bad. It's how men are made. God made us both different for good reasons. Let's honor that!

Slow Down

Most men move slower when it comes to the relationship bucket and a lot slower when it comes to marriage. This is why a man needs to find his wife (Proverbs 18:22). This doesn't mean he dates a woman for 20 years, has kids with her, and acts married. He has to feel confident he made the decision to find you as his wife. He has to think about you, his future, and if you fit in it. A man that is seeking marriage knows he is giving up irresponsibility and his resources for a wife (and kids if they both agree to this). This means that you will need to be patient as Job (read the book of Job to see what I mean). How can he feel confident when you demand that he marries you? What about seeing what that man does, set boundaries, have some standards, and if he's showing you he's not looking for marriage (with you), or if you two aren't a fit, just leave?

I used to be the woman who wanted to speed up the timeline. I would tell men when they needed to commit to me. I wanted to keep things moving despite things not working out. Guess what? My dating life was a revolving door of getting dumped and seeing those same men quickly propose to another woman. Suddenly, something clicked. I discovered who I was. Turns out, I love anime. I love books. I love the spa. I love food. I love baking. I love ballet. I love solving puzzles and whodunits. I love Neo-soul music. I love Fred Hammond's albums. Once I discovered who I was, my thoughts went from scarcity to self-love.

Scarcity Mindset

The scarcity mindset is what a lot of women are falling victim to. We've been told there's not enough men. We've been told men would not love us because of our salaries. We've been told after 30, we're doomed, and should become cat ladies. We've been told our worth is based on being married (with kids). When you think from a place of scarcity, you're thinking there's not much time, not many options, and you begin to settle for the wrong thing. You settle for the man that's in and out of your life. You settle because your "clock is ticking". You settle because your homeboy told you they don't date women in their 30s. You settle by sleeping around to feel loved.

Self-Love Mindset

I want more women to think with self-love. Self-love is loving yourself. It's about knowing you are worthy because God says so, not because of a man who text you, "wyd tonight". It's trusting what God has for you: marriage or a happy single life. It's knowing when to walk away. When you begin to take care of yourself, your light naturally shines. If marriage is for you, it will happen when it's time. You will be out and about, a man notices you, you two date, and that's it (not saying you date any man, but you will have to pick him). One of my good friends shared her story with me as she was passing down advice to me (I paraphrased it).

Honestly, it really is when you least expect it. I used to be just like you, wondering why I was never picked. I was smart. Talented. Beautiful. Yet, I was never picked to be wifed up. I saw my friends get married. I was always the bridesmaid. I started to think something was wrong with me. I did some introspection, worked on improving myself. One day, I joined an organization. I started attending meetings more often and there was a man there who said hi to me. He later messaged me online and we became friends. Overtime, we grew closer, and he asked me how he felt about us dating. Well, three years later, we are happily married.

Ladies, I know it is hard. I'm single. I've been single for awhile. I want love someday. I am also okay if it doesn't happen. Take care of yourself. Grow closer with God. Learn who you are. Get some hobbies. Get out of the house.

Are you happily married? Do you have some advice for single women? What if you are in your waiting season? What are some lessons you'd like to share with single women? Throw it in the comments. Remember to keep it real, keep it truthful, keep it safe, and keep it positive.

-Brittany