Love After Breakup?

Sneak Peak: Breakups suck. Can you love (and live) after a breakup?

Well, ladies. I done did it again. Yes, I done did it. I had another breakup. Yes, it was with a man. Now, here’s the thing. People think breakups only occur in relationships. That’s not true. You can breakup with a man you’re dating. You can breakup with a friend. You can breakup with a job. The point is, breakups do happen and they are a part of life. Now, I’m not here to vent about the person, because I have a journal for that. I am here to give you peace on how to love yourself after a breakup.

Feel Your Pain

Breakups can suck the life out of you. You expected to stay at that job for a while, only to have been laid off. You expected that friend to stay for a lifetime, but they left you during a cold season. You expected to walk the aisle with that man, but he decided to bail on you (or you’re married and it ends in a divorce). The thing is this: breakups are painful. They are going to hurt you. Do not ignore the hurt. Do not pretend things are okay. Remember, Jesus felt His emotions in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-56; Mark 14:32-50, Luke 22:39-53, John 18:1-12) and He gave them to God.

Feeling Wheel from Calm.com

Now, I don’t know if you’re like me, depending on the breakup severity, I sometimes accept it, then I feel it the next day. Other times, I feel it right away. It doesn’t matter. Grief isn’t a stage. Yes, there’s the stages of grief, but most people will tell you, grief is all over the place. I say to feel these emotions. Learn to identify what your emotions are with a feeling wheel and hand them to God. The feeling wheel helps you identify secondary and tertiary emotions. You may think you’re angry, but if you dig deeper, you are annoyed at the person. You feel disrespected by someone. You feel disappointed by a job ending. Then, you can identify the why behind it.

Lessons Learned

Every breakup has a lesson. Maybe you learned how to set boundaries at work. Maybe you learned how to identify red flags when dating and you have the courage to address them instead of ignoring them. Sit down, and write down what happened. The good. The bad. The ugly. Write it like a book report in a non-biased third-party fashion. I know it sounds odd. When you write things by removing the you (your ego), out of it, you can see things that are good to take with you, what you should leave behind, and where you need to grow.

Healing Takes Work, Not Just Time

Time heals all wounds, right? I think this is false. Work heals all wounds. You have to do the work. This is why you can meet someone who worked on themselves, and they later got married within a year after a divorce, while doesn’t do the work and they end up bringing issues to every relationship (or marriage). People fall for the time fallacy to avoid doing the work. You’d be amazed at how many people that do date and they didn’t do the work. As a result, they take their trauma into a new, possible relationship. So, I recommend doing what works for you. Some of us need therapy. Some of us need self-help books. YouTube videos. Community. Accountability partners. Support system. You need to do the work. How can you have faith that God will restore you, but you won’t do the work (James 2:14-26).

New Possibilities

Don’t give up. You may have to apply to 100 jobs to find the right one. That’s what happened to me. You may have to date 100 men to have your husband find you. I feel many people don’t want to move on because they are scared of the unknown. What does God have for me next? You have to trust God. He requires it from us.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,and he will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV).

The Big Picture

See the big picture!

It’s hard to see the big picture when we’re focused on the details. I find it hard to do this until years later. I have those “aha” moments. “Okay God, I see why you did what you did.” Let me give an example, the company I worked at previously shutdown. Turns out, it was a Ponzi scheme. If I stayed longer, I would’ve been dragged into its shady dealings (unintentionally).

God knew I was going to be laid off. He saw it coming. He gave me warnings of what was going to come. I learned so much about myself during those rough months. My attitude of work has changed. I no longer work crazy hours. I had the time to create Authentically Brittany. I now minister to women. I now know what it’s like balancing work with ministry so I can serve in both areas to my best ability. I tried ministry back in 2021, I was terrible at it. Why? I was focused on working and chasing paper. Now, I know God supplies my every need. I no longer chase money. I chase purpose.

As I am in another season of mourning, I am writing this to you: there is a light at the tunnel. It takes time and work. God will get you there. You have to trust Him and do the work. What are some positive ways you recover after a breakup? Share it in the comments. Remember to keep things true and positive!

FYI: I share links for a resource for us all. I give credit where it's due.