Friendship 102: Am I a Bad Friend?

Sneak Peak: We all slip up. Let’s find out.

One of my best friends will tell you something about me: I was a bad friend to her. Yikes! I was graduating college before her. I was moving onto grad school. I wanted to “level up”. She fought hard to me in her life, but I pushed her out to explore new friendships that were “on my level”. One day, we got into a fight. I scolded her. “Why didn’t you tell me?! I would’ve told you!” She kept telling me, “That’s what you would’ve done. I’m not you. I’m tired of being compared to you! It makes me feel small!” I ignored her plea and removed her from my life.

Thankfully, God humbled me a few years later and I reached out to my college friend to make amends. I apologized for not being there for her when she needed me. Instead of attacking me, she cried in tears to hear from me. She was longing for us to be friends again. We reconciled the friendship and I’m thankful that God placed a good friend in my life.

Am I a Bad Friend?

As painful as it was for me to write about my bad behavior, sometimes we need to reflect. We need to remove the plank in our own eye before we check someone else’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5). It’s easier to call out how others treated you, but how do you treat others? It takes a friend to be a friend. There are so many examples of bad friendships in the Bible, so I’ll list those as characteristics at the end. I want to highlight an example of bad friends: Job’s friends.

Case Example of “Well-Intended” Friends

Read the entire story of Job. I’ll paraphrase. Job was a rich man in the town of Uz. He was also faithful to God. Satan decided to bet God that Job would turn away from Him. God allowed Satan to wreak havoc on Job’s life as long as he didn’t kill him. It’s funny how Satan can come in like a tornado and all God has to tell him is, “Don’t touch my child”. Anyway, Job ended up losing his children, livestock, and had painful sores on his body. He mourned and prayed to God—despite losing everything!

Job's friends had good intentions, but were hurtful.

One day, his three friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, stopped by to grieve with their friend (Job 2:11-13). Wait, isn’t that what a good friend does? Yes. They got that right. Eventually, the friends go back and forth with Job with speeches about why God allows people to suffer. Wait, so they’re giving spiritually advice. Isn’t that what a good friend does? Yes. However, Job’s friends told him that God was punishing him. They believed that God only allows bad things to happen when someone does something wrong (Job 42).

Job’s friends were well-intended, but they missed what was really happening. God was testing Job’s faith by allowing Satan to cause chaos in his life. God ended up resorting Job and giving him twice as much as he had before! I want you to imagine being Job. In your lowest moment, you lost everything. Someone, you trust, holds you and says, “It’s your fault. You need to repent. Did you pray about it?”  How insensitive is that? The Bible tells us to be there during the highs and lows in someone’s life. We don’t need to insert our opinion every time. Why? Well, we only see one part of the picture. God sees it all.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15 NIV).

Sometimes, your friends (including you) may have good intentions by sharing your (unsolicited) opinion. Looking back with my friendship, I was that friend. I would tell my friend how she should dress, date, and carry herself. I was her full-time project manager. I was treating my friend like a project who needed to be fixed, not loving her for who she was. When she did mess up, I reminded her of it, “Well, you must’ve done something wrong.”

But I Care!

I get it. You want to show that you care for your friend. Just be there when you need them. There’s a difference between speaking the truth with love when needed (Ephesians 4:15), and treating your friends like projects. Remember, people will always remember how you treated them, especially during a low season in their life. If you’re that friend who comes off insensitive, opinionated, and self-centered, you need to find out why. Do you have control issues? Is your own life out of order so you need to regulate someone else’s? Do you struggle with vulnerability? Do you struggle with intimacy?

Reminder: Your Friends Are Not Projects

Your friends are NOT projects.

If you like to treat your friends like projects, it prevents the friendship from building intimacy. Your friends won’t trust you with deep stuff. They will refer to you as the “fun friend”. The text messages, the phone calls, and deep conversations will cease. You’ll only be invited out if it’s a

“girl’s night out”. If they’re really fed up with you, they will no longer associate with you. If this is you, talk to God about your behavior and let Him in, and call your friend to apologize.

There are other traits you should watch out for when making new friends. I listed them below. In the next blog, we will talk about the “fun friend” along with other types of friendships. Until next time!

More Traits of a Bad Friend

The Bible gives us traits of what watch out for:

1. This friend loves to start drama, gossip, and argue about everything (Proverbs 16:28, Titus 3:9-11).

2. This friend encourages and drags you down into sinful behavior (Matthew 5:30, 1 Corinthians 15:33-34, Proverbs 12:26).

3. This friend has anger issues. They blow up over everything (Proverbs 22:24-25, Ephesians 4:26).

4. This friend is unwise, lives a foolish life, and gives foolish advice (Proverbs 13:20, Proverbs 14:7).

5. This friend doesn’t respect your boundaries and/or your faith (1 Timothy 4:12).

6. This friend ditches you during your time of need (Proverbs 18:24).

7. This friend doesn’t want to see you grow—it makes them look bad (Proverbs 27:17).

8. This friend lies to you instead of being honest with you (Proverbs 27:6, Proverbs 27:5-6, Proverbs 12:6).

9. This friend keeps score on all the times you messed up (Proverbs 17:9).

10. This friend isn’t forgiving or loving to you (Ephesians 4:32, 1 Corinthians 13:4-).

11. All around, this friend, isn’t peaceful, lacks joy, lacks kindness, lacks faith, lacks goodness in their heart, lacks gentleness, lacks self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).