Friendship 101: What is a Friendship?

Sneak Peak: Did you mislabel someone as a friend?

When I was in college, I’d go on weekend trips with a group of women to different college [U.S. American] football games (my college didn’t have a football team). A woman in the group befriended me, learned who I was, cracked jokes with me, until I noticed something: she always forgot her wallet. One morning, I bought her breakfast. Then, she needed money to attend a football game. Then she needed cover for college parties. Then it led to needing lunch money.

I felt used so I decided to test her (my plan was to confront her in person). I asked her if she wanted to get drinks with me in downtown. I told her that we’d have to go 50/50 on the tab. She told me, “I’ll let you know.” After that, I never heard from her again. Turns out, she was using my friend in the group for her money, too. I mislabeled this person as a friend. In reality, I was serving this person, but I didn’t set boundaries with my serving. Sometimes, we confuse serving with friendship. Then, we end up frustrated with someone who never deserved (or wanted) the friendship label.

What is Serving?

As Christians, we are called to serve those around us.

As Christians, we are called to serve those around us. We pray. Mentor. Give guidance. Volunteer. Work. We’re there to serve. Serving is pouring into someone and not expecting anything in return. When you begin to expect something in return, you are making it about you, and not God. When we show love through our service to others, others can turn to God. When we get frustrated that we’re not being acknowledged, thanked, or being paid in return (except for work—please be paid for work), we are saying, “It’s about me, not you, Lord!”

Now, just because we’re called to serve, we also need boundaries. Jesus is the prime example of someone who had boundaries. In moments when He needed rest, He rested. Jesus also knew that some people didn’t want to be served, so He moved on. The Pharisees are a great example of people who felt like they didn’t need some loving from Jesus, so Jesus never served them (Luke 5:27-31). Even Jesus told his disciples if people choose to reject the gospel (decline a service), keep it moving (Matthew 10:33).

If you know someone who doesn’t want to hear that “church talk”, end the conversation, pray for them, and keep it moving. If you know someone who is overstepping, taking advantage, demanding your service, or you feel exhausted, it’s okay to say, “Hey, I can’t volunteer my time/money/talents, etc. for this.” This includes work, too. Sometimes, being a servant comes with people who will misuse it. You’re reliable, so why not?

You have to say, “No” with your words and actions. Don’t accept any phone calls if you’re out of office. Don’t volunteer 100 hours at your church if you can’t even maintain your household. Sometimes, we feel guilty because we want to win cool points with God (or look good to others). God knows what we’re thinking. When we say, “Yes”, but we mean, “No.” It’s lying (Matthew 5:37). By the way, God detests lying (Proverbs 12:22).

What is Friendship?

Your FWB isn't your friend.

Friendship is when two people mutually agree to have a bond outside of family and sexual relations (sorry, your FWB isn’t a friendship). I’m going to unpack the friendship of David and Jonathan (1 Samuel 18-21) to break down traits of a friend.

Trait #1: A friend celebrates your wins and doesn’t need to be in the spotlight.

Jonathan was the son of King Saul. King Saul wanted to kill David due to his growing jealousy of David’s popularity and military skills. If we go off of technicalities and blood lines, Jonathan was next in line to be king. However, Samuel anointed David as the next king of Israel. Jonathan could’ve been a hater, but Jonathan decided to be there for David as a friend.

Trait #2: A friend loves you based on equity not equality (or fairness).

Jonathan poured more into David. He cheered David on, gave David stuff, spoke well of David to his father, and even turned against his own father, for David. But wait, isn’t this serving? Well, no. Our friendships won’t always be 50/50. Sometimes, it’s going to be 60/40, 70/20. We all have our own quirks, costs, benefits, skills, etc. For two people to come together, they are saying, “Hey, you and I aren’t the same. Let’s see what we both can bring to the table and love each other.” David showed Jonathan what it means to be humble towards God. Does this make David less of a friend, or is it that he gave something different but valuable?

Friendship is a Blessing

Friendship is an amazing thing to experience. We’re blessed to have even one friend in our life. Many of us don’t have friends, if I’m honest. We have associates or people we are serving that we consider as a friend. When you learn what a friend is, you will begin to see in your own life if someone is a friend, or if it’s someone you’re meant to serve and move on from. Below I included more traits of a good friendship. Next week, I’m going to ask you a question: are you a bad friend? Until next time!

More Traits of a Good Friend:

The Bible gives us more traits of what to look for in a friend:

• Friends build you up and hold you accountable (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

• Friends bring the best out of you (1 Corinthians 15:33, Romans 12:10, Proverbs 27:17).

• Friends are forgiving (Colossians 3:13, Proverbs 17:9).

• Friends are there when you need them (Ecclesiastes 4:10, Proverbs 18:24, Proverbs 17:17).

• Friends will pray for you, even when you slip up (Job 42:10).

• Friends will bring their gifts into the friendship for the both of you (1 Peter 4:10).

• Friends share wisdom and make wise decisions in their own life (Proverbs 13:20).

• Friends are vulnerable with you (Proverbs 27:5-6).