About Time

Sneak Peak: It’s about time we talk about church hurt.

While working abroad, I had my devotionals and my Bible. That’s it. For the first time, I was in an environment where church wasn’t a part of my connection to the Lord. When I was in South Africa, my friends and I were so hungry for church that we tried calling at least 10 Ubers in just to attend a church 40 minutes away. I’ve been in countries where practicing Christianity openly was illegal. In other countries, locals told me they’d walk hours just to attend church or there was a scarce number of churches in their area.

I’ve noticed there’s a growing sentiment to dismantle churches by us, as believers. Yep. We’re the ones doing it. How many influencers, blogs, and community pages can you see of people speaking against attending church? How many of these people are proclaimed Christians? I’m just going to cut to the chase. We can’t blame the non-believers. We can’t say they’re the reason churches are failing. It’s us. At some point, we have to ask ourselves, are we going to help restore churches or are we going to demolish them? It’s about time I talk about church hurt.

I Get It

I understand some of us have experienced church hurt or you may know someone who has. For some of us, walking into a church can bring a feeling of distress. You feel like you’re no longer in your comfort zone. Are those church people judging how I dressed? Is someone going to be mean to me? Is the pastor sleeping with congregation members? Is the church inclusive? Is it safe for me to attend? It saddens me that many of us, including myself, have been hurt by the church. What I discovered is this: people will hurt you and none of us are perfect. This is a part of life. As a full-bodied adult, it is your responsibility to deal with your hurt.

My (Long) Testimony

Worship leader (left), my classmate (middle), and me (right) singing on the praise team.

I’ve discussed a little bit about my journey of returning to Christ, but I never went in full detail. Well, here it is. It’s long. Sit down, grab a cup of coffee, tea, or water, and read it. I grew up in a Seventh-Day Adventist Church (SDA) household but I have an interdenominational family. We have Baptists. Methodists. Jehovah Witnesses. Everybody. I’ve visited my other churches, but I was raised around the SDA church. Most of my family went to the same church and we were well-connected. We followed the rules of the church. We went almost every Saturday (except if we were out of town or sick.) We were involved in different organizations. Some of us sang in the choir, others were ministers, acted in church plays, danced, and some of us worked in the audio room.

Church was something that I did. It was a part of my routine. During my teenage years, I started to see church differently. Let’s keep it real. Single mothers aren’t always welcomed in some churches. My brother and I were raised in a single parent home. My mother was a lot younger than other mothers (she dressed better and looked younger, too.) This led to a lot of stereotypes about single parents and their children. We were seen as less than.

I don’t think there wasn’t a Saturday where some random congregation members went to my mom ready to snitch on my brother, or me. If it wasn’t a Facebook post, it was about what boy I was talking to, or what girl my brother was chatting with. Honestly, we were just being teenagers. These were normal things to do. The idea of grown men and women gossiping about children is crazy, but it happened. Some even made rumors about my mother giving us alcohol! Some of these people were people I put my trust in and they broke it.

During the summer, my mom threw us End of the School Year themed parties and you had to be invited to attend to attend. Usually, it was the same people every year. To us, it was a kid-friendly party. For outsiders, who weren’t invited, they thought it was sinful for her to host parties at her home. Anyway, my mom was (and still is) unconventional and I don’t think the church was ready for her awesomeness.

The irony of all of this: my mother was the Children’s Church Director. Most people didn’t like my mom (or us). This didn’t stop them from sending their kids to her while they sat in the pews during service. Instead of turning children way, my mother served. She took teenagers in and gave them tasks to keep them out of the streets. She continued running the ministry on her own dime—yes, she paid for everything! We’d wake up at 6 a.m., preparing snacks for the children. Although my family did make friends at the church, I’d say, we were in survival mode.

When I was thirteen, I dealt with a traumatic incident. It took place outside of church but it got exposed a year later in church. When I needed the church the most, the church turned their backs on me. People made rumors about me. Nobody was helping—except my family. As a result, and four our safety, my mother pulled us from that church. We attended another SDA church. I also attended church on Sundays with my former middle school teacher and current mentor. While I was in church, I carried resentment towards church-goers. When I turned 18, I said deuces! Good-bye, church and Christianity.

I lived my life. I was doing me. For the first time, I wasn’t confined to rules in the church or Christianity. I was a "club celebrity". I knew all the DJs, bouncers, VIP workers, everyone! I could walk not worry about strict dress codes. I could eat what I wanted. No more fasting. No more strict diets. No more reading the Bible. No more memorizing verses. I could do me. I’m going to be honest, a part of me left church because I wanted to do me. Church was about structure. I wanted to be a free-spirit. I lived a very dark life for years.

I moved to Seattle after completing my graduate studies. I stayed in an abusive relationship for two years. Despite my attempts to leave, I accepted it as normal. In this relationship, I found God again. Crazy how God works. One Sunday, my ex was watching a sermon on YouTube while cooking us breakfast (he was a better cook than me.) He was sitting in the living room and I joined him. Suddenly, I cried and felt a release of pain. Y’all, I was boo-hooing. Snot. Boogers. All of it. My ex looked at me like I was crazy and walked away to finish cooking. The Holy Spirit told me to return to church. That next Sunday, I went to a church. That church body saved me and encouraged me to go to therapy.

For the first time, nobody judged me for my past. I could walk in with all of my tattoos, scars, wounds, and I wasn’t told I was a heathen. I could wear my red hair (my hair was dyed red and shaved at the time) and I could still serve. I shared my life story with these people and they poured love into me. These people just wanted to learn the Word of God, apply it to their lives, and help those around them. They didn’t care about appearances. They focused on heart posture. took a step of courage and decided I wanted to put my membership into that church.

I joined small groups. I unlearned a LOT of stuff I was taught. I discovered what a relationship with God meant for me. For the first time, I truly connected with God on a deeper level. However, my work wasn’t done. You see, I just planned on being a church-goer. No, no, no. God told me, “Hey, I need you to go get baptized.” What?! Let me explain something to you, baptisms were handed out like candy when I grew up. If you weren’t baptized, it was questioned. I believe it is a personal decision and a serious one people should make. When you baptize yourself, it’s a public declaration of your faith (Matthew 3:13-17.) My walk was mostly private and now I’m making it public?!

My baptism in 2021 (I'm in the middle, my former pastor, left, and friend, right.)

I got baptized during COVID-19. My mother was unable to make it since Spirit cancelled her flight last minute. My friend put her on Facetime and she cried in joy. My church friends all cheered me on. What’s funny though, is that my friends outside of the church, who were dealing with church hurt, didn’t come to support me. They didn’t want to deal with “church people”. Eventually, my church hurt friends and I separated naturally.

Okay, I got dunked into water. I’m done now, right? Nope. God spoke to me again. “Hey, Brittany, I need you to serve.” I have a confession to make. I had no plans to go into ministry—at all. Being in ministry (from ushering, parking lot attendants, to the pastor) isn’t always cool. Some people want to get into ministry just to have power and prestige. Most of us know it’s a struggle. Let’s be honest, people don’t want to date you because you’re “too Christian” or “too good for them”. People are scared to be your friend because they think you’re Judge Judy or you’re not “normal”. At some point, I had to make a decision. Do I care about what people think or what God thinks? I started ministering to people in and out of the church but I stepped away from it out of fear. I slipped back into my old behavior to not scare people off.

When I moved to Dallas, I went to another church. This church was the place that sharpened my gift and got me back in sync. One day, an announcement video was asking for prayer ministers. The Holy Spirit told me to stick around after church and sign up. I joined the prayer team and became close with the prayer captain. He is one of my mentors and we keep in touch. He taught me to be unapologetic about my faith and show God to the world. He told me to be the light in the room. Give compassion, love, and kindness to those who need it.

Look, I get it. The church is getting more and more questionable. Well-known pastors are stepping down due to allegations. Some leaders are being exposed. People are sleeping with each other’s spouses. People are gossiping about each other. People come to church dressing like they came from the strip club. Whew, Jesus, fix it! I don’t blame you for questioning churches. However, I do have some words for those who are doubting, like Thomas did (I hope you understood my joke.)

Tip 1: Acknowledge Your Pain and Experience

First, I need you to acknowledge your pain and experience. Accept the reality that you stepped away from churches due to “church hurt”. I’m not a mental health professional but going to therapy for eight years taught me some stuff. Church hurt is trauma. When you experience trauma, it is a natural response to avoid places, people, or things that trigger your brain. Matthew 11:28 tells us that we can go to Jesus for rest. He does care.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Tip 2: Know That We All Fall Short

Second, realize that you also fall short, just like those annoying church people. This is why I don’t agree with the cancel church movement. It gives agency for us to act unforgiving to people who are in an imperfect world. It’s not restorative. This is the opposite of what Jesus commands us to do as believers. You aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect. The pastor isn’t perfect. Finger pointing what congregation members doesn’t help you heal.

My baptism in 2021 (I'm in the middle, my former pastor, left, and friend, right.)

My late elementary school teacher used to say something when we’d blame others for our actions. “When you point the finger at people, there’s one finger pointing back at you.” Are you quick to blame church members to avoid accountability for your healing and growing in your walk? Let me put it this way. If a drunk driver hit you, you are still responsible for dealing with your insurance, any medical bills, and your recovery.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15

When we start to check ourselves first and take accountability for our actions and what we can control, we will begin to see that nobody is perfect in the church, including ourselves. The church as a hospital. It’s not a place where perfection takes place. We all got dirt in us. We can continue to blame Pastor Billy Joe for why we shouldn’t return to church, or examine our own lives, and make better decisions. God wants to know what YOU did. Not what did Pastor Billy Joe did. What did YOU do?

So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them,

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. John 8:7

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother,

Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5

Tip 3: Seek Help

As I shared, I didn’t go through my trauma alone. I had to seek help from some spiritual warriors. They were able to listen to me with compassion and be patient with me. They also held me accountable (along with tons of therapy sessions.) Some of them also experienced church hurt and shared their testimonies with me. Others never experienced pain in church and they still encouraged me and listened to me finger pointing all church-goers. I’m sure it was hard for them to hear me throwing stones at them (and not examining myself). They still cared for me.

It takes fellowship to get us through trauma. Trying to deal with your trauma alone is your ego talking. The Bible tells us the importance of fellowship and community. Guess where you get that for free? Church. Join a small group that interests you. Some churches have cookouts, activities for men, women, single, married, and co-ed ones, too. All it takes is fellowship to start. 

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2 

Tip 4: Set Boundaries with Yourself

It’s okay to walk away from a church that isn’t showing up to God’s standards (not yours.) God gives us discernment and free-will to walk away from a place that doesn’t honor Him. I will say this. Church is not Burger King. You are not a customer. Snap out of the customer mentality of church. You’re there to glorify God, fellowship, get the Word, and show to the world. You may not like things about church. The music. The décor. The femininity or the masculinity. Focus on what matters.

Please find the right church that is God honoring and will help you grow. You don’t need to jump into ministry right away. Sometimes, it starts with getting up on Sunday and just going to church. If someone is pressuring you to join the worship team, say, “I’m not ready to join.” That’s it. If someone is imposing their convictions (Romans 14) on you, “I’m not interested in that but I respect what you believe.” Just keep it moving.

Tip 5: Love Yourself and Own Your Walk

Each day is a new day. Get to know yourself and know God. Who is God to you? How does he speak to you? How can you connect with Him? What do you inspire to be? What is God leading you to be? What are some vales you’d like to rediscover with Him? You may decide that you value complementarian values. You may discover egalitarian is more of your style. You may prefer a hard-copy Bible, the Bible App, or an audio Bible. As you discover Him, you will discover what love is, how to love yourself again, how to heal, how to have solid convictions, and how to build a true relationship with Christ. In other words, you will own your walk. When you start taking ownership of your walk, you will be less concerned about comparing your walk to others and finger pointing.

Until next time!

-Brittany